Why are they always fighting?!
When sibling squabbles make you feel like a referee, here’s why their battles aren’t a sign of your parenting failure.
I don’t know about you but I find it so easy to fall into the trap of believing that my children’s behaviour, especially how they get along with each other. is a direct statement on my parenting skills.
I hear them scrapping, and I sometimes recognise this urgent need to fix, control, or prevent conflict. I’m poised to jump in quickly to referee or smooth things over. I want not only to end the conflict, but to save myself from feelings of failure that arise. If I’d taught and modelled well, then surely they would be kind and calm?
Yet, over the years, I’m realising how when I do this, I can inadvertently rob them of the chance to develop essential skills like negotiation, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution. When I see their squabbles as a reflection of my own success or failure, I am more likely to react from a place of shame, frustration, or self-doubt rather than calm guidance…escalating tensions instead of diffusing them.
The truth is, kids aren’t a mirror reflecting how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ a parent we are…they are human beings with their own personalities, temperaments, and developmental journeys. Psychology tell us that sibling conflict isn’t just inevitable, in fact it’s actually a crucial part of learning how to navigate relationships in the wider world. Here are 5 ways their fights don’t mean you’re failing:
1 - Siblings are learning relationships skills (and that takes years!)
From an early age, our kids are learning how to negotiate, set boundaries, compromise, and manage emotions, but these skills don’t develop overnight. The prefrontal cortex, in charge of emotional regulation and impulse control, isn’t fully developed until the mid-20s. This means that our kids are acting on impulse rather than logic, leading to clashes that may seem unnecessary or extreme to us as adults who are viewing them through the lenses of our more developed brains.
Reframe it: Sibling fights aren’t just noise and chaos—they’re a practice ground for future relationships. Your kids are learning, in real-time, how to handle disagreements, repair hurt feelings, and advocate for themselves. They won’t always get it right, and that’s okay.
2 - Temperament plays a huge role in how our kids get along
It’s easy to forget that our children’s individual temperaments and personalities affect how they interact. Some kids are naturally more easygoing and flexible, while others are more strong-willed or emotionally reactive. These traits are largely biological, influenced by a child’s nervous system and genetic wiring, not just parenting.
Sometimes I realise I’m projecting onto my kids my own temperament, feeling confused as to why they’d respond in a way wildly different to how I would. It’s wild how my kids are 50% genetically ‘me’, yet their personalities can be so different!
Children with high sensitivity or sensory differences may struggle more with personal space, noise levels, or feeling emotionally overwhelmed, leading to more frequent clashes with siblings who may have different needs. I have two kids who constantly irritate each other because their sensitivities clash! None of this is a reflection of poor parenting; it’s simply a reflection of who they are as individuals.
Reframe it: If one child is more reactive, it doesn’t mean you’re failing them, it may simply mean they need extra support with self-regulation. Our job as parents isn’t to change their personality but to help them navigate relationships in a way that honours who they are.
3 - Conflict doesn’t mean lack of love
It’s easy to worry that frequent sibling battles mean your kids don’t like each other, or worse, that they’ll never form a close bond. Perhaps you have experienced disconnection with a sibling of your own and fear the same future for them. But the surprising thing is that research on sibling relationships tells us that conflict and closeness often coexist.
Psychologist Dr. Laurie Kramer, an expert on sibling relationships, explains that siblings fight because they feel safe to do so. The family home is a protected environment, where they can express frustration, push boundaries, and test social dynamics in a way they wouldn’t dare to do with peers or teachers. This is why it can feel confusing that your child might not squabble with friends at school, yet behaves very differently at home!
In fact, sibling conflict can actually strengthen relationships over time. Studies show that siblings who learn to resolve disagreements early in life are better equipped to handle conflict in adult relationships, whether in friendships, romantic partnerships, or the workplace.
Reframe it: Just because your kids argue today doesn’t mean they won’t be close tomorrow. Their relationship will go through many phases, and childhood bickering doesn’t define their future bond.
4 - Comparison warps our perspective
It’s tempting to compare your children’s relationship to siblings you see in other families, especially when social media is filled with curated images of happy, hand-holding brothers and sisters. But what we don’t see in those filtered snapshots are the moments of tension, the conflicts behind closed doors, or the strategies that parents have used to get to that point. It will certainly be there, I promise you.