When you failed to wash the school uniform, and love looks like a lot like chocolate

5 thoughts on navigating the messy, beautiful tension between being there and getting things done

Last Sunday night, I made a choice.
I didn’t do the washing.
I sat on the sofa with the kids instead.
We laughed, we cuddled, we connected.

Monday morning, however? Chaos. Cries of “Where’s my school uniform?!” and “My PE shorts are WET!”. We had no choice but to cram the PE kit back into the bags, smellier than it was on Friday. The school shorts had to go on damp having been sat under dirty cloths all weekend (despite owning other pairs, these were the ONLY ones my son likes to wear).

I apologised by way of chocolate lollies presented at school pickup that day.

Here are 5 thoughts I’ve been thinking about since:

1. There’s a constant pull between presence and practicality

Do I sit and be with them, or do I get up and get the jobs done?
Do I prioritise the time to be present and connect, or do I prepare for the chaos I know will come if I don’t tick a few things off the to-do list instead?

The tension between presence and practicality is one we live in, especially in parenthood. It’s a psychological tug-of-war between emotional needs (theirs and ours) and our executive functioning.

On one side, we have what psychologists call ‘attachment-driven behaviours’, the instinct to nurture, to connect, to prioritise closeness and comfort. These are core human needs, and choosing to lean into them (like I did that night on the sofa) strengthens the bonds between us and our children.

But on the other side, we have the voice of task management and anticipatory responsibility, namely the ‘mental load stuff’. The PE kit, the uniform, the unread emails, the fact that someone will need clean socks by tomorrow. That side feels less cosy, but it’s just as wired into us: it’s the part of our brain responsible for problem-solving, planning, and protecting against future stress.

Often, these two parts of ourselves can’t both win at once. Which brings me to my next point…

2. Sometimes we only find the line by crossing it

There’s no formula for getting the balance right between now and later, connection and preparation. As much as we like a crisp clean line between a decision that is right, and one that isn’t, as with so much in life, the line is blurry. It moves. It depends on your energy, your child’s mood, the week you’ve had.

And sometimes we only know we’ve overstepped it when we’re ankle-deep in soggy school kit, wondering whether the smell will air out by lunch (I have a strong feeling it didn’t…oops).

But that doesn’t mean we got it wrong.

It means we’re learning. Testing. Listening. Parenting is dynamic, right? It’s not about sticking rigidly to a plan, but about adjusting with grace and honesty. Even the “wrong” calls show us where our priorities sit. They’re feedback, not failure, and the more compassion we bring to those messy moments, the more easily we’ll adapt next time, and the less we have to suffer through a session of beating ourselves up about it. Who really needs extra self-esteem bashing guilt?

3. They might wish I’d done the washing

Let’s be honest. If you’d asked anyone in the house last Monday morning what they’d have preferred, it would’ve been dry shorts and a PE kit that didn’t smell like dirty dishcloths.

But if you’d asked them as I’d sat besides them on the sofa?

I think they’d have said that being close on the sofa felt lovely. That Mum felt warm (literally, our heating is broken, I was a living hot water bottle service) and available. That they liked relaxing with me, rather than sitting as I buzzed around tending to piles of washing.

Both things can be true. They can appreciate the closeness and be grumpy in the morning.

Children live in the moment, so their perspective shifts quickly. As adults, it’s our job to hold the long view. To remember that memories are made in those sofa moments, and that yes, logistics matter, but they’re not everything. The stuff got washed in the end.

This is also a good reminder that our children’s temporary discomfort doesn’t mean we’re doing it wrong. So much of parenting is tolerating their feelings (and ours) without rushing to fix every inconvenience. That builds resilience, in us and in them.

4. We won’t get it right all the time

Sometimes we’ll choose presence, and wish we’d gone for practicality.
Other times we’ll get all the washing done and realise we never sat down to revel in the moment.

You’re not going to win at all of it, all the time. That’s not a sign of failure, it’s a sign you’re human, a human doing your best in a season that’s full to the brim.