The mum-phone struggle: What’s really keeping you hooked
5 surprising reasons mums can’t put their phones down, and what to do about it
Ever picked up your phone ‘just to check one thing’, only to realise 30 minutes have gone by, the vegetables are overcooked and the kids have scribbled on the wall without you realising? You’re not alone—this is a shared experience for so many mums.
And let me start by saying this: it’s not your fault. Our phones are designed to pull us in, and life as a mum often pushes us towards them for escape, connection, or just a moment of calm.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: the more we rely on our phones, the harder it becomes to truly recharge or connect with our kids. Think about how you feel when you’ve been waiting to catch up with a friend, only to see their hand twitch towards their phone mid-conversation. Or when you finally get some alone time with your partner, but their attention is split between you and the notifications lighting up their smartwatch.
It’s hard not to feel like you’re playing second fiddle to pixels and pings. But equally, it’s hard to resist the pull, especially when we convince ourselves we can multitask our way to connection. The reality? That constant split focus leaves us feeling more stressed, less connected, and robs us of the calm we’re searching for.
Let’s dive into why we feel so tethered to our phones—and explore gentle, practical ways to loosen their grip on our attention.
1. Dopamine Addiction: Your Phone is Expertly Designed to Hook You
Every time you get a notification, see a like, or scroll to something new, your brain releases dopamine—a chemical that makes you feel good, even if just for a moment. It’s the same mechanism that drives other addictive behaviours. Studies show that social media is intentionally engineered to keep us engaged, much like slot machines.
The problem? While dopamine gives us short bursts of pleasure, it doesn’t leave us feeling truly satisfied or calm. Instead, it wires us to keep scrolling, seeking another quick fix. Cognitively, we know these quick fixes are fleeting, often followed by that familiar tinge of dissatisfaction—like the sugar high that inevitably leads to a crash.
And yet, the deeper fixes that truly satisfy us—like taking the time to meet up with a friend, share openly, or sink into an activity that grounds us—feel just out of reach. They require energy, planning, and, quite frankly, time we often feel we don’t have. It’s one of those frustrating chicken-and-egg situations: we reach for our phones because we’re depleted, but they leave us feeling more frazzled, not replenished.
Breaking the cycle can feel impossible, especially when we’re so used to those quick bursts of ease. But perhaps the first step isn’t to overhaul everything—it’s to pause, notice the pattern, and gently start reaching for something that fills us up rather than drains us.
What to Do Instead:
Replace the quick fix with something calming but less stimulating, like reading a book, doing a crossword, or even doodling. My personal favourite is to keep an arrow-word nearby (this one is by far my favourite as it’s not too difficult - I get it from WHSmiths). I realise how am so much more interruptible and available than when I’m scrolling.
If you’re craving connection, try voice-noting a friend or having a quick phone call—it’s far more fulfilling than the illusion of connection or productivity online.
2. The Need to Escape Stress (Even When It’s Temporary)
Motherhood is relentless. Phones offer an easy way to escape stress, boredom, or the mental load. We reach for them moreso at times of stress or overwhelm when we’d really like the chance to step out in the quiet, but circumstances (and kids) don’t allow.
But here’s the tricky part: while the scrolling feels like a break, it doesn’t give your brain what it really needs. You crave a feeling of calm and safety, yet you’re heading to the busiest place in the whole world where your nervous system is poised as it doesn’t know whether to expect a funny cat reel, or a traumatic birth story that echoes your own. Research shows that excessive screen time can actually increase stress and anxiety, leaving us feeling more frazzled than before.
What to Do Instead:
When you feel the urge to pick up your phone, pause and ask yourself: What do I need? What am I feeling? You might realise you’re looking for rest, connection, or even a moment of fun—and there may be other ways to meet that need.
Create phone-free moments during the day, especially during times when your kids are around. I have app blocks on my phone (I use the paid version of App Block, it’s so worth it!) that stop me refreshing social media and email when I’m with the kids. Sure, there are times I have to hop on my laptop when I’m with the kids, but I know I’m less likely to lose myself on there than I am on my phone.
Finding ways to hold boundaries that align with your values and how you want to conduct your relationship with your phone will not only will it help you feel calmer, but it also strengthens your connection with them.
3. The Freeze State: Why Overwhelm Leads to Scrolling
When the demands of motherhood feel overwhelming, your brain can enter a “freeze” state—a survival response where it feels safer to avoid than to act. Scrolling becomes the ultimate avoidance tool: it requires no decisions, no energy, and no emotional investment.
What to Do Instead:
Recognise when you’re in freeze mode and find some compassion for yourself. You’re likely in that state because you feel over helmed, rather than you’re a ‘bad’ or ‘lazy’ parent. Gently bring yourself back by doing something small and grounding, like making a cup of tea or taking three deep breaths. Talk kindly to yourself as you do this. I’d say ‘right Anna, I know things are stressful, but this isn’t really what you want to be doing right now, it’s not helping. Let’s take a deep breath, make a herbal tea, and face the chaos’.
If you feel stuck, grab a piece of paper and write a quick list of what’s overwhelming you. This is a way to externalise what’s buzzing around your mind and stifling you. When you have some time and clarity, readdress that list and try breaking it down into smaller steps that you can action or talk about.