Listening to resentment: What your frustration wants you to know
5 ways to work through resentment so that it doesn't come out sideways!
The Quiet Build-Up of Resentment
Resentment doesn’t arrive with a loud bang. It seeps in slowly, often unnoticed at first. You feel a flicker of irritation here, a wave of exhaustion there, until suddenly it feels like an invisible wall between you and someone you care about. A friend, a family member, a loved one.
For me, resentment has often appeared in moments of overwhelm.. I vividly recall the cutting remark I made when my husband’s meeting ran late, leaving me to tackle bath and bedtime for three young kids on my own. At the time, I found myself envious of his 90-minute commute. The space. The quiet. The personal time. It felt like he was walking out each morning into a peaceful escape, while I stayed behind in the chaos.
Of course, the reality was different. His commute was cramped and exhausting, and he hated leaving me overwhelmed. But in my mind, I couldn’t help but picture him strolling out the door like James Bond, effortlessly walking away from an explosion—completely unscathed while I was left in the rubble.
When we don’t address resentment, it quietly festers, creating distance in relationships and cultivates a corrosive feeling of being misunderstood. It can lead to bitterness, anxiety, and burnout, as we carry the weight of unmet needs and unspoken frustrations.
What can resentment look like?
Over time, unaddressed resentment chips away at the quality of connection, manifesting as irritability, withdrawal, sarcastic comments or passive-aggressive behaviour, where small tasks or interactions feel unfair or overwhelming.
Whilst resentment begins as frustration, it can harden into apathy. What once felt unfair or irritating can shift to indifference, where you stop expecting change or connection. Apathy acts as a defence mechanism, protecting you from further disappointment but also numbing joy and closeness. It can feel easier to stop caring than to face the vulnerability of unmet needs, yet this emotional distance can create deeper disconnection in relationships.
Physically, resentment can appear as exhaustion, headaches, or a tight chest, while mentally, it’s accompanied by thoughts like “Why am I always the one doing this?” or “They don’t appreciate me,” fuelling frustration and a growing sense of unfairness.
But resentment is also a signal—a whisper from within that something needs your attention.
What Resentment Really Is
Resentment is often misunderstood as anger or bitterness. But in reality, it’s less about the other person and more about what’s happening inside you. It’s a sign that:
You feel overburdened or undervalued.
Your needs aren’t being met—either by others or by yourself.
There’s a disconnect between what you’re giving and what you’re receiving.
For mums especially, resentment can stem from the invisible load we carry. It’s the mental catalogue of school forms, snack prep, emotional soothing, and remembering to book dentist appointments. It’s not just the tasks themselves—it’s also the amount of headspace it consumes to hold them in mind.
Why Resentment Hurts the Most in Close Relationships
Resentment feels sharper in our closest relationships because these are the people we give the most to. We invest our time, energy, and love, so when we feel unsupported or unseen, it can sting deeply. I remember working with a client who shared, “I love my partner, but I feel like I’m carrying everything alone. I’m drowning, and they’re just splashing in the shallow end.” Her resentment wasn’t about a lack of love—it was about a lack of balance.
For single parents, this can feel especially challenging, as there may not be another adult to share the mental and physical load. In these cases, it’s about finding ways to loosen the grip on perfection, seek external support where possible, and practice self-compassion in the face of immense responsibility. Whether in a partnership or parenting solo, naming our feelings and being honest with ourselves about our limits creates space for deeper connection—with others and with ourselves—and a chance to foster balance, even in small, meaningful ways.
How to Work Through Resentment
1. Pause and Reflect
Resentment thrives in the rush of daily life. To work through it, we first need to pause and tune in.
What is this resentment telling me?
Where do I feel stretched too thin or unsupported?
For me, journaling often brings clarity. I write down the swirl of thoughts and feelings, and patterns start to emerge. Or, I head out for a walk and allow my thoughts to wonder around the periphery of the feeling of resentment. I consider where I’ve taken on too much or where I’ve expected others to read my mind or understand the hidden cost.
2. Name It Without Blame
One of the hardest—but most transformative—steps is naming resentment without blaming the other person. When we name it with honesty and vulnerability, we open the door to conversation and understanding. However, blaming shuts that door, as it often causes the other person to feel attacked and become defensive, deepening the divide and intensifying the feeling of being misunderstood. Approaching resentment with curiosity instead of accusation allows for connection, healing, and the opportunity to address unmet needs together.
Instead, I try to say something like:
“I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately, and I could use some help with [specific task].”
It’s amazing how often the response is relief: “Oh, I didn’t realise. Of course, I can help.”
3. Rebalance the Load
In my own relationship, 10 years into parenting, we’ve had to navigate the balance of who does what more times than I can count. What has helped is learning to check in regularly. We talk openly about the mental and emotional load we’re each carrying and make small adjustments to share the weight. One change that made a big difference is my husband joining the seemingly hundreds of school WhatsApp groups—not just so he can stay on top of the constant stream of requests, but also so he can empathize with the sheer volume of admin I juggle daily!