If you struggle to rest guilt-free, here's the science

Because often, your body needs recovery long before your mind gives you permission

Do you find it difficult to either embrace or ease into rest? Not because you don’t want it, but because it feels somehow complicated. Maybe it feels unfamiliar, guilt-tinged, out of reach or layered with different emotions

You might crave stillness, silence, softness. But when those moments finally come, your body resists. You feel twitchy. Guilty. Restless. The voice in your head starts up whispering ‘You haven’t earned this, there’s more you should be doing, don’t get too comfortable’.

If this is familiar, it’s not a character flaw. You’re not lazy. You’re not broken. You’re not failing at rest. You’re wired for self-protection. And sometimes, that protection kicks in even when the threat is long gone.

This is why I often say to clients: If the idea of resting prompts a barrage of feelings, start with the science. Because if rest feels emotionally out of reach, it can help to understand it as a biological process instead, to bypass the emotion for a moment. Rest is a necessary part of staying well.

And when I talk about rest, I don’t just mean lying still or taking naps. I’m talking about anything that feels nourishing or restorative to you. Maybe for you, rest looks like running, not because it’s easy, but because it clears your mind and fuels your spirit. Maybe it’s reading something that has nothing to do with productivity. Maybe it’s pottering, moving slowly through your space, instead of racing around like a headless chicken. Rest can be stillness, but it can also be movement, creativity, solitude, laughter. What matters is that it replenishes you.

You are not a machine. You are a sponge.

I often use the metaphor of a sponge when talking to parents about the importance of rest

Let me explain, every day, you absorb things, tension, noise, needs, stimulation, emotion. You take on the chaos of the school run, the pressure of being needed, the silent expectation to keep it all going. You swallow down sarcastic retorts, or breathe deeply through a meltdown.

And like a sponge, you get soaked.

If you don’t squeeze out some of what you’ve absorbed, you begin to leak. Maybe it shows up as snapping. Maybe it looks like shutting down. Maybe it’s a quiet sense that you’re not quite yourself or a deeply imbedded feeling that you’re not good enough. Maybe it’s a withdrawing away from the things that fill, fuel and nurture you.

So how do we squeeze out the sponge when we feel too guilty, anxious, or overwhelmed to even pause?

Let’s not talk feelings just yet. Let’s talk function.

Five science-backed ways to rest (even when rest feels impossible)

1. Crying is chemical release

I want to put crying right up here! We see our kids cry quite easily, because they often haven’t yet built up the narrative that to cry is failure or weakness, it’s release. Crying is not a failure of coping. It’s chemistry.

When we cry emotional tears (as opposed to the kind caused by chopping onions), our bodies release stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Crying also stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, the system responsible for calm, digestion, recovery, and emotional processing.

That moment when you cry in the car or the kitchen and then feel strangely clearer afterwards? That’s your body completing a stress cycle. But many of us were taught to suppress tears, to push them down, or save them for a more ‘appropriate’ time that never really comes. And so we hold it all in, soaking up more until we overflow in ways that feel sharp, sudden, or out of proportion.

Letting yourself cry when appropriate is a nervous system reset. Even a small release makes space for regulation. There’s no need to analyse it or justify it. Just trust the process.

Here are a few ways to make space for that kind of release, if it doesn’t come easily:

• Step into the shower and imagine the water carrying your tears away. The warmth and solitude can soften the barrier.

• Watch or listen to something that always makes you cry, a song, a scene, a memory that feels safe to revisit.

• Write a short note to yourself or someone you trust that begins, ‘What I really want to say is…’ and see what comes up.

• Sit in the car and put on music that matches your mood. Let your breath deepen. Let your jaw soften. See if anything wants to move.

• Place your hand on your heart and say aloud, ‘You’re allowed to feel this.’ It can be enough to give yourself quiet permission.

• Let yourself cry for no clear reason. No story. No justification. Just because your body needs to. That’s enough.

2. Movement breaks down stress hormones

When you’re carrying stress, your body doesn’t just feel tense, it’s flooded with hormones like cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine. These chemicals are designed to keep you alert and ready to react, which is useful in an emergency, but exhausting when it becomes your default setting.

Even gentle movement is one of the most effective ways to process those stress hormones and move out of survival mode.

You don’t need to run 5k or sign up for a class. You can:

• Walk around the block while listening to a comforting voice

• Stretch on your bedroom floor after a long day

• Shake out your hands and arms after a heated moment

• Put on one song and dance without trying to look good

Your brain might still be racing, but your body leads. When you move, you send signals to your nervous system: I’m no longer under threat. I can exhale.

3. Self-touch activates your calm system

Your skin isn’t just a surface, it’s a communication tool. Underneath it are touch receptors that send direct messages to your brain about safety or danger.

When you place a warm hand on your chest, massage your temples, or even hold your own hands, you’re stimulating those receptors. The result? A release of oxytocin, the hormone of connection and calm.

This is especially powerful if you’re touched-out by others (kids climbing on you, being needed all day), but still craving physical grounding.

You might try:

• Massaging hand cream in slowly and deliberately

• Using a weighted blanket or heavy throw to signal containment

• Holding your face gently with both hands and breathing

These small rituals tell your system: You are here. You are safe. You are held.

4. Breath slows your stress response

When you’re stressed or overwhelmed, your breathing tends to become short, shallow, and high in your chest. This keeps your body in an alert state, reinforcing the idea that something is wrong… even when the crisis has passed.

Breathwork offers an immediate route to regulation. By extending the length of your exhale, you send a message to the body that you’re no longer in danger. Heart rate slows. Muscles relax. The mind follows.

Try this simple grounding practice when you feel edgy or unsettled:

• Inhale slowly through your nose for 4 counts

• Hold your breath gently for 4 counts

• Exhale through your mouth for 6 to 8 counts

• Pause for 2 counts before beginning again

Do this for 2 or 3 rounds. Don’t force calm, let it arrive naturally, like a ripple softening on the surface of water.